tears are a gift....

How therapeutic is it to have a good cry with great girlfriends? Today at work we had a class on End of Life care that focused on getting in touch with different losses in our life. The only way we, as nurses, can effectively care for a dying patient or a grieving family is to first discover how we ourselves feel about the loss of something or someone that causes another great pain. The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a loss is a death of a loved one---today I was able to grieve, cry and come to grips with various losses I have experienced over my lifetime. Very few of which actually involved the death of a loved one. The girls in the class with me are a wonderful group of friends---we are all the July 2009 nursing residents involved in a year long program to foster our development as new graduate nurses. It has been quite a roller coaster since July---being able to turn to other girls going through the same transition has been such a blessing. I think we have all had a rough few weeks of work and today when we walked in to the class it was like a homecoming of sorts...I felt a sigh of relief just being in their presence. I think we all needed a good cry---and that is truly what we got.

At the end of our cry fest, we walked over to the gift shop and found the perfect comic relief.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5edAecNf0kY (you'll probably have to copy and paste this URL into your web browser, can't figure out how to insert links just yet)
This pig can make you laugh no matter how bad your day was. Seriously--check out this link and order one for your family...its definitly worth the $20.


On another note, my little brother is supposed to graduate on Saturday from WCU--of course this would be the first weekend they are calling for winter weather and being that we are no longer in the north, the whole state has to shut down. I want snow as much as the next guy, but would really love for it to wait until we get home. I so want to watch him cross that stage--I am so proud of both of my brothers' accomplishments and aspirations. I want to be there to watch him become an official college graduate---please Jack Frost, wait until Monday to greet us.



<---Beautiful Baltimore, a view from Canton's boardwalk. I sure miss that water. Here's to dreaming of warmer weather...

another day, another dollar....

So today was yet another busy day at work...14 postops, several discharges, very few breaks, one small glass of water chugged at the end of my shift---but at the end of the day everyone was breathing, so I guess thats what matters. It seems sad that the only judge of whether or not my day was successful or not is if my patients are still breathing at the end of the day. I went in to the nursing profession to be a nurturer, a caring soul, who at the end of the day made more of an impact on the patient than any medication or treatment. What I am discovering, however, is that more and more I am just running back and forth between patients rooms and paging the doctor that I am struggling to keep my head above water. I get all of my work done, but not without feeling nauseous for a good 4-5 hours every morning until I get through the hump of morning assessments and medications. It's just not what I thought nursing would be. Not to mention the fact that I have no time for me during the day whatsoever. Its like days keep disappearing while I am busy running up and down the halls of the hospital and others are out baking for Christmas, shopping, spending time with family/friends and enjoying evenings in front of the TV. Not much time for TV when you get home at 9pm and after 14 hours of work are too exhausted to stay up for much more than an hour.

My biggest frustration, however is that at the end of the day I realize how distant I am from my family, friends and most importantly from my God. I try to talk to Him throughout the day, but I'll find myself grumbling 5 minutes later when something else goes wrong. If this is going to be my career, I have got to find the balance between being a good nurse and taking care of myself including good nutrition and fluid intake, exercise, sleep, healthy relationships, well managed finances, a clean house, and most importantly, a consistent relationship with the Lord. Can any nurses sympathize with me??? Any suggestions for making this work??? At this point, I'll take an advice I can get....

Believe and be satisfied...

So today has been a lazy day so far. Slept in with Brewer (my dog that thinks he is human), watched tv morning shows--Rachel Ray and the View, and started some laundry. I spent about an hour this morning trying to convince the dog to eat breakfast. I'm not sure why but yesterday morning, he would not eat out of his bowl. If we put his food on the floor he would at least eat some of it. So today I found myself trying food on the floor, in the bowl, in a different bowl, and finally feeding him kibble by kibble out of my hand. Silly boy--who knows whats going on with him.

After lunch, I decided to come upstairs and start the large task of cleaning out what has become the "junk" room. Pretty much everything that does not yet have a home has been put into what is supposed to be my husband's "man room." Not so manly yet. Amidst the junk is my 2 file boxes I keep all of our important papers, bills, etc. I am still hoping to come across the perfect filing cabinet to house these papers, but in the meantime, the boxes will suffice. I never made it to the junk room, however, I sat on the couch to check my email, with "Design on a Dime" on in the background (I'm slightly obsessed with the HGTV channel). As I was waiting to see the end product on a dining room renovation project, I heard God telling me to put away the computer, turn off the tv and spend some time with Him. So, for the first time in a long time, I actually obeyed what I had heard and began to pray. I felt very strongly to pray for my husband and his role as spiritual leader in our household. I also felt led to pray for our future children---my husband will tell you that I am baby crazy, but I really felt the desire to pray for us as a couple that when the time comes, we will be prepared as followers of Christ to parent our children according to God's will. I then pulled out my Bible and came across this prayer a good friend had given to me in high school about God's perfect timing for pairing you with your mate. I really have no idea why this was in my Bible, everything else from high school is in my student's bible. Regardless, I re-read the prayer, and while I am already married and no longer searching for a "mate", one line stuck out to me.

"Do not be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at all the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at things you think that you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you."

God does have a purpose for me, a purpose for my husband--a purpose for us as a couple. I know I am far from what God wants me to be, but I do know that I am ready to start fresh--and be joyful in this, satisfied in the truth.

Here we go...

I have thought about starting a blog for quite sometime now. I have seen so many people's blogs over the past 2 years and thought how neat it must be to virtually keep an online journal--yes it is visible to anyone with an internet connection, but its also yours to keep forever. Despite my intrigue, my thoughts about blogging became almost invisible next to nursing school care plans and readings to keep up with. Now that I have been out of school for about 6 months, I have been discovering new excitements (and challenges) in life...blogging falling into both of these categories. I never thought I would have time to keep up with a blog---I still don't know if I will. I am the queen of doing things for a week, then falling off the wayside. But we'll see.



As I am writing this, I am thinking about all the things in life I discount under the notion that I do not have enough time. I have always been one to give 125% to work or school---leaving not much for other aspects of my life. Because of this, my days always seem shorter than everyone else's. I am realizing that my method for prioritization is not always best. Yes, I have straight A's through college and nursing school to show for this determination, but is this enough? As a new homeowner, I am realizing that my "to-do" list seems to get longer by the day--and I am tempted to throw 125% of me into getting the task done. I get my "get it done now" attitude honest. My mother is a very hardworker and my dad has always expected the best from me---they both always knew my capabilities. However, somewhere along the way, I missed the class on living a "balanced life." I need to find the balance among creating the "perfect" home, being the "perfect" wife/friend/daughter/sister. Maybe it starts by realizing that I, in fact, do not have to be perfect at everything...or anything really. Learning this is going to be the real challenge---you can ask my husband if I like anything sub-par---OCD can be quite a curse! ha! Luckily, I serve a God who loves me despite my shortcomings--and will continue to love me even if I fall short of perfection.



Anyways, heres to blog #1 and hoping I will continue this over time. In the meantime, I will continue to look to God to find the answers. What deserves the majority of my time? What deserves my energy? How do I find balance in my day to day activities...especially when I work almost 14 hour days---long, challenging days. How do I find time for myself, for my husband, for my God? I know I will only find these answers through continuous prayer and dedication to the Word---both of which have been quite sparce and inconsistent over the past 2 years. I guess I have found my starting place.